TRIGGER WARNING: MISCARRIAGE
This post has been a long time coming, having not written anything on here for nearly 2 years and what a couple of years it has been for us and everyone in the world.
In the last two years we have brought our own house and moved in during the first lockdown (with no rental vans and only Jack's parents helping as we had been living with them!) we have worked from home along with the rest of the country, have had many zoom quizzes as well as a Zoom Christmas, we have had many laughs and game nights just us two, armed with board games and shots - highly recommended!
However, the last two years have also come with loss, like with most people.
At the beginning of 2021 after over a year of trying to conceive, we fell pregnant. The same month that I had started having tests to look into why it was taking so long.
We were over the moon and decided to video us telling our parents, siblings and close friends, armed with our digital tests and excited for our first private scan booked for my birthday.
Unfortunately, the week before my birthday and the pre-booked scan, we lost our baby. It was the worst time of our lives and it took us a long while to get back to our day to day lives. No one can ever explain to you how losing a baby will affect you and you will never understand unless it has happened to you. We sadly have a few friends who have also been through the same experience, yet none of our experiences will be the same and until we had gone through it ourselves, we didn't really understand.
Life was hard, we had a whole new perspective on it, but life had to go on and a few months later, we found out we were expecting again.
This time, we only told our parents.
We didn't want to have to go through the process of telling everyone if we lost this baby too as it was hard enough the first time, but we knew we would need support if the worst did happen which is why we told them.
I'm not going to sugar coat it. The first few weeks were fucking terrifying.
Every time I went to the toilet, I was petrified of seeing blood - which in all honesty, didn't ever go away until he was here safe.
I didn't want to get too excited until we could see the scan and see a heartbeat, so when we finally made it to the 6 week mark (which is when you can first have a private scan) and they said we needed to come back in a week as they couldn't see a heartbeat yet, I was petrified. I will say, that this is completely normal, and if like me, you ovulate a week late, then this is actually to be expected.
That week went by sooooo slowly - but when we finally got to see that heartbeat. Just wow. That moment can't be explained and we were able to breathe a little easier.
We had decided to not tell anyone else until our 12 week scan - which is pretty standard for most people, and then the nausea started and boy did it hit me hard. Because of this, we decided to tell my managers (who are also two of my best friends) as it was affecting my work.
I had never had any symptoms with my first pregnancy, so it was a shock to the system. At my booking in appointment I was about 8 weeks, and spoke to my lovely midwife about how bad I was feeling and she explained to me that this was a good sign. The fact I had such strong symptoms meant my levels must be quite high and this is a great sign for a healthy pregnancy which helped put me at ease.
We decided that we couldn't wait until our 12 week scan to see baby again and so booked another private scan at about 10 weeks. I fully appreciate that private scans can be very expensive and not everyone is able to afford one, let alone two, but we found that the peace of mind was worth every penny.
Then we had our official 12 week NHS scan two weeks later and we were very lucky as by this point, Jack was able to come along with me as long as he had a negative lateral flow test.
We ended up being at the hospital for three hours because baby was being such a pickle, and at every scan the sonographer struggled to show us his face. We just about managed to get a relatively good picture of his profile at about 30 weeks.
The whole pregnancy I had problems with the nausea, taking tablets up until I was in labour. I know not everyone chooses that route, but they were a god send. I also struggled with PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain) and because of my hyper mobility was in more pain than usual, but I would happily go through it all ten times for Henry. He is more than worth it.
I do believe everything happens for a reason, and whilst I would never wish losing a baby on my worst enemy, if we hadn't have gone through that horrendous period of time, Henry wouldn't be with us today.
Pregnancy after loss is super hard, your mind is constantly in panic mode and as much as people tell you to relax, that is very hard to do. It is also completely normal to not feel excited for the new pregnancy, due to the anxiety you are feeling.
I naively thought there would be extra support or scans, but unfortunately this isn't something the NHS are able to offer. Although I believe if you have sadly had more than 2 losses, they do offer more.
My midwife did signpost me to charities and other organisations if I needed to speak to anyone which I appreciated, but did not take her up on as I am better gathering information to process myself rightly or wrongly but I do know a lot of people prefer to talk it out.
Everyone in this position will have a different experience to us, this is just ours.
We did buy our first outfit after the 20 week scan, once we knew that baby was as ok as he could be at that point in time.
It started feeling more real as I started to get a proper bump and started to feel him moving. Being plus size it took a little while to get a noticeable bump rather than just looking like I’d eaten too much cake during lockdown, and also a little longer for Jack to be able to feel him moving but I’m sure he’ll tell you it was worth the wait for sure.
I do think after experiencing a loss you worry about every little thing and because of this I did end up at triage a couple of times due to reduced movement and very early on because of pain. Luckily everything was absolutely fine everytime we went in and the midwives and doctors were so understanding and never made me feel like I had wasted their time.
One time in particular, I was about 6 months pregnant and had quite a lot of cramping. They asked me to come in to just monitor me and baby and check everything was ok.
They went above and beyond, getting a doctor to come and scan me to confirm everything was fine as well as taking a swab to confirm I wasn’t in early labour. They were aware of my previous loss and made sure I felt at ease before I left to go home.
I can’t thank them enough as every time I went in I never felt like I was over reacting at all.
Due to my BMI we actually got more scans for “Gap and Grow” so they can measure the baby. (I was over the moon that we could see him more often to be honest, regardless of the reason!)
We also chose not to find out baby’s gender as I had never wanted to - I wanted the surprise! (Much to Jack’s disgust!)
That moment they lifted him above the screen was the best feeling in the world. We are so very lucky.
Unfortunately, miscarriage is very common with over 23 million occurring worldwide every year. I didn't realise quite how many people go through this and how many of our friends had.
If you need any help or support, I have left a few links below for Tommy's. I found their site and socials super helpful throughout our loss and pregnancy.
Much Love as Always,
Tommy's - Miscarriage Support
Tommy's - Getting Pregnant following a Miscarraige
